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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Nov 08, 2012 11:35 am 
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RichBitch
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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.

At the end of the service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open they open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!

She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

:lol: :lol: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Nov 09, 2012 7:42 pm 
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^ That brought out quite the chuckle! :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Nov 13, 2012 4:32 pm 
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:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 1:26 am 
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RichBitch
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Programmer terminology - what they say vs what they mean :lol: :lol:

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED: We are still pissing in the wind.
2. AN EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM: We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION: We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH: It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTIONIS DELIVERED ASSURED: We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE: The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING: We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED: The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS: It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT: Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL: Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING: We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION: I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS: Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW: Code not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT: It finally worked!
17. LOW MAINTENANCE: Impossible to fix if broken. What if there were no hypothetical situations?

And this is just :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

Kids - gotta love them!

My three year old son had a problem with potty training; and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch inbetween errands.
It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course, I checked my seven month old daughter, and she was clean.

Then I realised that Matt had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident and I didn't have any clothes with me." The I said, "Matt, are you sure you didn't have an accident?"

Matt jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheaks and yelled..... "SEE, MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!!"

While 100 people nearly choked to death on their tacos, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down to eat his food as if nothing happened.
I was mortified! Some kind elderly people made me feel a lot better when they came over and thanked me for the best laugh they ever had!

Another old gentleman stopped us in the parking lot as we were leaving, bent over to my son and said, "Don't worry son, my wife accuses me of the same thing all the time...I just never had the nerve to make the point like you did."

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Nov 14, 2012 2:41 am 
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Tillicious Girl
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Location: Es gibt keinen guten Weg etwas Schlechtes zu tun. (There is no good way to do a bad thing.) T. L.
^
Joke 1: Been there, and there and there! :roll:

Joke 2: Children are wonderful aren't they? I am SO GLAD mine are all grown now! :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Nov 16, 2012 8:49 pm 
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@ AL: Love these! Can't wait for more! :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sat Nov 17, 2012 1:50 pm 
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:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: Loved them!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed Dec 05, 2012 12:20 pm 
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RichBitch
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I hope this in the right thread...

I had a good chuckle at it :lol: :lol:
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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Fri Apr 26, 2013 3:08 pm 
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Found this on Facebook:

MAN RULES.

THESE ARE OUR RULES!

PLEASE NOTE. THESE ARE ALL NUMBERED #1 ON PURPOSE!

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU LEAVING IT DOWN.

1. CRYING IS BLACKMAIL.

1. ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS ONE:

SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK!
STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK!
OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK!
JUST SAY IT!

1. YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST EVERY QUESTION.

1.. COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU WANT HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

1. ANYTHING WE SAID 6 MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT, ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER 7 DAYS.

1. IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

1. IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

1. YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH.
IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

1. WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO SAY DURING COMMERCIALS.

1. CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE...

1. ALL MEN SEE IN ONLY 16 COLORS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS..
PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A FRUIT. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT MAUVE IS.

1. IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING,' WE WILL ACT LIKE NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU ARE LYING, BUT IT IS JUST NOT WORTH THE HASSLE.

1. IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR..

1. WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU WEAR IS FINE...REALLY.

1.. DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU ARE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FISHING OR MOTOR SPORTS.

1. YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

1 .. YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

1. I AM IN SHAPE. ROUND IS A SHAPE!

1.. THANK YOU FOR READING THIS. YES, I KNOW, I HAVE TO SLEEP ON THE COUCH TONIGHT.. BUT DID YOU KNOW MEN REALLY DON'T MIND THAT? IT'S LIKE CAMPING!

And I work with men (at a computer repair/recycle shop) :shock: :lol:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Wed May 08, 2013 6:18 am 
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RichBitch
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^ :lol:

A Scottish friend of mine told me this joke on the weekend - it's really better to listen to it than to read it but I'll try my best. She told it so well I was LMAO
For best effect, try to read the Scottish part in a Scottish accent
It's short but cute...

Englishman: (holding his hands in front of his crotch and hopping from foot to foot): "I need a wee!"
Scotsman: "A wee what?"
Englishman: "A wee, man!"
Scotsman: "A wee man?!? :shock:"

:rolling: :rolling:
I am such an :asshat: I just realized my intro was as long as the joke #fail :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun May 12, 2013 10:43 pm 
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^ As I read that, I did so with the accents! :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:24 pm 
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.




A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and starts shaking him. The big guy says, “What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says, “Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!" HAHAHAHA!

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:40 pm 
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^ Loved that one! :rolling: :rolling:

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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Mon Aug 05, 2013 10:42 am 
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My Stepdad's Words And Meanings Book.

Moving swiftly on - moving as slowly as possible.
In a minute - in an hour, day, week, month, year, decade, century, millennium, and so on.
Strung out shower of bastards - loads of cars at a distance in which entering the line might be possible but is actually not.

What I do when he says something stupid...

Call it "the honours".

How to do "the honours"...

1) Sneak up behind intended victim (who has to be wearing a hat)
2) Walk towards victim if sneaking up behind is not an option.
3) Remove hat from victim's head.
4) Give hat back to victim... only to do it the next time something stupid is said.

Basing that on experience, by the way (and said stepdad is now my ex-stepdad)

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"Religion is not the cause of evil, but the people that abuse it are, as they twist the structure of religion to suit their own agendas, and that is why loads of people are losing their lives."

Quote from my own mind.


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 Post subject: Re: Jokes
PostPosted: Thu Aug 08, 2013 8:59 am 
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Location: Snuggled up between Schny and Tilly...oh, and Ollie :D
A guy walks into a bar and sees two smoking hot chicks. He goes up to the bartender and says, "I wanna buy those two beauties a drink." The bartender replies, "Sorry to tell you this, man, but they're lesbians." The guy says, "Oh, I don't care, just send the drinks over there." So, the bartender does, and the guy sits down and goes, "So what part of Lesbia are you from?"

:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:

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I spoke to the Devil today, and he looked a lot like me.
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