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 Post subject: Jokes
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 4:41 am 
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Paul Doll
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How about a jokes thread? We all need a laugh on a bad day.


Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,"says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," he said and he left.

MORAL:
Never argue with a woman who reads.
It's likely she can also think.


These 16 Police comments were taken from actual police car videos in the
USA.
>
>#16 "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
>went through."
>
>#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch
>after you wear them a while."
>
>#14 "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate
>a worthless document."
>
>#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
>
>#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
>speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
>
>#11 "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
>write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"
>
>#10 "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it
>will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
>
>#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that
>again or I'll give you another ticket."
>
>#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk
>or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
>
>#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
>to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
>crap."
>
>#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
>oven."
>
>#4 "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
>
>#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
>allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
>
>#2 "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of
>yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
>
>AND THE WINNER IS....
>
> #1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
>don't. Sign here."

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 Post subject: jokes
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:33 am 
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lol here's a master card with a r+ twist just imagine the pics/ vid of richie buying these things
Duck tape, 5 dollars
toy ball, 2 dollars
Bondage leather equipment, 50 dollars
seeing your friend get sodimized by another friend during Buck disc
(now a pic of riche laffing his a-s off)
PRICELESS!!!!!!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:10 pm 
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RichBitch
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arrgh all me jokes are inapropriate for this thread.

@himmellicht-That was priceless good job thinking that one up mate.

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Last edited by SaMy on Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 9:27 pm 
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Good idea, Jess! :D

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 11:46 pm 
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Paul Doll
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Lol good ones!!


Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get
through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre"
Operator: "Sir, they are our opening hours".


Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think you mean the telephone point on the wall".


Caller: "Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
travelling in Australia ?"
Operator: " Doesn't the product name give you a clue?"


Caller: "I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please".
Operator: "I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?"
Caller: "Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the 'B' fell
off".


Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland ".


Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until
this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".


Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"


Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised
that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my
file back again?".


Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find
where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window"
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f --- ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Needless to say the operator was fired!!

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Tue Sep 18, 2007 11:56 pm 
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They where all funny,but the last one takes the cake.

:rolling:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:37 am 
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@ Jess: Loved that last one especially! More?

Great Email from Management
TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

8) TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 12:48 am 
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No offense intended to the Americans......

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack (Shit).

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing


Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit, please"

"And what can I get for you Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude of you! You're
starting to act just like Bill Clinton".

As the waitress storms away Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced 'quiche'"

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Wed Sep 19, 2007 8:47 pm 
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@ Jess: That last one just cracked me up! Excellent! :rolling: :rolling:


Actual HR Meanings

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
We have no time to train you.

"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"MUST BE DEADLINE-ORIENTED"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

"DUTIES WILL VARY"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL"
We have no quality control.

"CAREER-MINDED"
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

"APPLY IN PERSON"
If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE"
We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:19 am 
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SaMy wrote:
arrgh all me jokes are inapropriate for this thread.

@himmellicht-That was priceless good job thinking that one up mate.

danke saMy!! Me und twin Speiluhr thought of it while waiting for the bus in grade 11, My brother didn't appreciate my sense of humor

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 12:12 pm 
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these are basically problems reported by airplane pilots [P] and the here are the solutions [S] [these are all real problems and real solutions]

P: Left inside tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside tire

P: Test Flight OK. except autoland very rough
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on Windsheild
S: Live bugs on back order

P: Auto-pilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 feet
decrease
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
S: Evidence removed

P: DME volume unbelieveably loud
S: DME volume set to more believeable level

P: Friction Locks cause throttle levels to stick.
S: Thats what friction locks are for

P: IFF inoperaive in OFF mode
S: IFF alwalys inoperative in OFF mode

P: Number 3 engine missing
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny
S: aircraft warned to straighten up; fly right and be serious

P: Target radar hums
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics

P: Mouse in Cockpit
S: Cat installed

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer
S: Took hammer away from midget.


i'll post more jokes in the next couple of days.


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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 4:29 pm 
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@ OC: I loved these, more please!
:D

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 5:30 pm 
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Location: Heechul city Kohima
Beekay wrote:
Great Email from Management
TO: All Employees
RE: Swearing at work

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the course
of normal conversation with their co-workers.

Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily
offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to
accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative "TRY SAYING" phrases have
been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can
continue in an effective manner.

1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.

3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.

5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!

6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.

7) TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.

TRY SAYING: That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?

9) TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.

10) TRY SAYING: I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.

12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.

13) TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.

14) TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.

16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?

1 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.








jette wrote:
No offense intended to the Americans......

Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:

Titanic:..... $29.99
Clinton:..... $29.99

Titanic:..... Over 3 hours to read.
Clinton:..... Over 3 hours to read.

Titanic:..... The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton:..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic:..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton:..... Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic:..... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Bill.

Titanic:..... During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton:..... Ditto for Monica.

Titanic:..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton:..... Let's not go there.

Titanic:..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton:..... Monica's forced to return her gifts.

Titanic:..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton:..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack (Shit).

Titanic:..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:..... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.

Titanic:..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton:..... Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing


Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit, please"

"And what can I get for you Mr. President?"

George W. looking up from his menu, replies with his trademark wink and slight grin "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude of you! You're
starting to act just like Bill Clinton".

As the waitress storms away Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers "It's pronounced 'quiche'"



:rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling: :rolling:
a million times over
I actually laughed out loud over this.
:lol:

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 Post subject:
PostPosted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 11:07 pm 
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Joined: Thu Apr 20, 2006 5:09 pm
Posts: 20748
Location: Australia
BLONDE............

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive, double-pane glazing, of the latest energy-efficient kind.

Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He
was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago
and I hadn't paid for them yet.

Hellloooo? Now just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean that I am
automatically stuuupid.

So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told
me last year... namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay
for themselves! Helllooo? (I told him) It's been a year."

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they issued to me.

I'll bet he won't underestimate the intelligence of a woman ever again!!


An Aussie joke......

"Hello, is this the police?"
"Yes it is. How can we help you?"
"I'm calling to report my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding cocaine inside his
firewood!"
"Thank you very much for the call."
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is
kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine. They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house.
"Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"
"Yeah!"
"Did they chop up your firewood?"
"Yep."
"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"


We have a huge council house in our street. The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.
Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do not do anything.
Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.
A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his future daughter-in-law but nothing has been proved yet.
All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone thought was gay.
Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.
The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control.
Who'd live near Windsor Castle ?


Students at a Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

Then the Professor started the class by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that it is necessary that you don't get disgusted.'

The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the butt of the dead body, withdrew it, and then stuck his finger in his mouth and sucked it.

'Go ahead and do the same thing', he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the butt of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them:

'The second important quality is observation. I inserted the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people.'

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PostPosted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 12:37 am 
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Location: lala land
not meant to offend any american or british who has friends/relatives in war zones.

An American soldier, an Iraqi soldier and a British soldier were at a pub drinking. after finishing his drink the american threw his glass in the air and then shot it with his gun and said "We have so much money in America to make glass that we dont need to drink from the same one twice"
The Brit, impressed by the americans action, finished his drink, threw his glass in the air and shot it as well and said "We have so much sand in Britain to make glass that we dont need to drink from the same one twice"
The Iraqi quietly finished his drink, threw his glass in the air and shot the American and Brit saying "we so many americans and british in iraq that we dont need to drink with the same ones twice"

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