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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 1:35 am 
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Friends *do* help each other - and you've certainly tried. She can't/won't be there for you, that is abundantly clear. She's drownng in her own little pit. Don't jump in there with her.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 11:36 am 
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I've talked to a lot of my friends today about this situation and they all say the same, that I have done everything I can and that I need to give her space and us both time to think. A good friend of mine had a very good point that by pushing her to talk and realize this situation I just push her further away and then she won't ever get the feeling that she might miss me or need me again. And he also said that if she ever breaks up with the guy and then all her friends run to her rescue she won't learn anything, because in a week or so she will think that hey I still have all my friends, maybe I could give him another try since I'm not all alone with or without him.

She still hasn't answered my latest message and probably won't. But I thought that I need to tell her now that fine, I will take some distance and leave her alone, I'll still be here if she wants to talk and if she need me. And I need to do this before Saturday so that we both have some time to think how we can maintain a professional relationship so that everyone we work with won't know we're having some sort of a drama going on.

EDIT: agreed with her to just leave this whole thing for a while and take some distance, she seemed grateful and very understanding that I really need to talk to her even though she's not ready to. Told her I'll be here waiting and that whenever she's ready she can come back to me. I do feel a lot better, she wasn't as hostile as I was afraid of, but this hurts like h*** anyway. And again, I'm so sorry you have all been forced to read my complaining and that I've used this thread as a therapy session for me, but this has been very very helpful to me to realize that I'm not alone and it's not just me who sees the signs of this bad relationship. Thank you all :heart: Now we just need to get on one day at a time and see if there still is a friendship to salvage.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Tue Aug 13, 2013 8:21 am 
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Okay the situation just keeps getting worse and worse. I'm insanely worried about my friend right now, she stopped talking to everyone, even at work she just keeps to herself all the time and one day she snapped at a co-worker about something absolutely unnecessary. I've at least tried my best to make everything just like it was before this mess but it feels like I'm in this all alone, she doesn't respond in any way.

I asked her straight one day if she's mad at me and if we're okay and she said that she's not mad at me and that we're okay but she really didn't seem sincere. I asked how she's doing and how they are with her boyfriend and she said they're okay, that he was very tired at one point but that they're okay. But now the past few days she has really not been herself and I'm so scared. I sent her a message yesterday apologizing for being so difficult and asking her if we could just forget this whole mess and start over. She told me she has forgiven me a long time ago and that she's really just very very tired and doesn't really want to be social with anyone. I told her I feel like she's abandoning me and that I feel hurt that she's not even trying to make things work. And then she told me that she can't talk about this right now because she got some really bad news. And today, she called our boss early in the morning and asked for a day off. Tomorrow I'll be working with her in the same office, I'd love to talk to her but we really need to keep our personal stuff away from work. I'm so insanely worried something bad has happened to her, she seems almost depressed lately, I know there's something bigger that's bothering her but she just can't talk to anyone, such a typical Finn, she thinks she can handle everything and carry every burden herself.

I told her I can wait that we don't need to clear things right now and that I'm willing to help her with whatever she needs. I told her that she doesn't need to tell me what has happened but that I'm still here if she needs anything. I'm just so worried, this is not like her, she's a completely different person now and it scares me so much.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 12:30 pm 
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Okay I just have to share my joy somewhere! My friend dumped the guy!!!! She's back to being like herself now and it's like this never even happened! I'm so thrilled and I really had to resist myself from saying I told you so because the reason she dumped him was that he became too possessive and wanted this almost fairy tale-like relationship that really didn't exist. He didn't understand the meaning of normal life and that she had her individual life, he tried to make them into a "we". He was super jealous and craving so she thought that she would do some much better without him, she felt he was a burden and that she'll be happier alone. And she really did seem happy today when I saw her! She told me he stalked her for a month after the break up wanting to get back together. And the most shocking thing is that when she told him she wanted to break up, he proposed to her!!!! Seriously... this dude is sick! I'm so happy he's out of my friends life! Yay!

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Dec 11, 2013 1:18 pm 
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This *is* good news! But please also tell your friend to be careful - if this guy continues to stalk or otherwise harrass her to not hesitate to report him to the police.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 10:04 am 
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I'm in a similar situation with my best friend :( We've known each other since we were 15, so about 5 years, but back in January 2011 her "ex" (I say that because they were like 13/14 when they first dated, so it wasn't anything serious) got back in contact with her. It started out fine, but he is literally the most paranoid, possessive guy EVER. Once he broke up with her because she didn't answer her phone as she had just arrived at my house and was talking to my parents, but he thought she was with another guy.

Another time, she was over at my flat for the weekend. My (female) flatmate was away so it was just the two of us, but he phoned constantly, saying "are there any guys with you?" and he also thought my gay friend was trying to get into her pants :roll:

The thing is, he accuses her of cheating, yet who has slept with other girls? Who created a profile on a dating website and flirted with other girls, then accused her of setting it up to try and frame him?! Who has stolen money from her, just to spite her??! Who even accused her of cheating on him with her mum's partner???!?!?!?!

Ooh I could rant for ages about him :evil: :evil: But long story short, it's really starting to put a strain on our relationship, I'm terrified of losing her because of him :( it's already causing a lot of tension between her and her family - they've have said it's them or him, so she's lying to them about their on/off relationship - and she's already lost friends because of him. I'm really at my wits end, just when I think they've finally broken up for good and she's starting to move on with her life, he gets in contact again and acts all nice and caring, but that doesn't last long. She keeps saying "but I'll always love him" - he treats you like :x: , how can you love him?!?

I just don't know what to do :( :(

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:04 am 
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@ AB93: There were SO many warning bells going off as I was reading this. If she ends up with this prime loser - and abusive - jerkoff, he just might one day murder her. I'm NOT kidding. Your friend should RUN, not walk away from this loser - before it's too late. Hopefully she will.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 11:25 am 
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That's what everyone - her close friends and family - have been telling her for months, but the message just doesn't seem to be getting through :( :headwall: :headwall: I'm sure if it was the other way round and it was MY boyfriend treating ME this way, she wouldn't tell me to keep going back to him... :sigh: :(

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:23 pm 
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^ Sadly, there's no way to make her see the light of reality - or the danger she's in. She's got a very tenuous, rocky path ahead of her. We can only hope that she'll realise the grave danger she's in sooner than some other unfortunate women - and that she'll be able to DO something about it. :(

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Fri Jan 31, 2014 5:34 pm 
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@AB93: That's just sick!!! And so scary!! She definitely needs to run from him and cut him off completely! Believe me I know how frustrating it is when your friend doesn't listen and how it can really break your friendship. Hugs to you and keep on trying, because like BeeKay said, she might just get killed by this guy!

And in my case, we're back to the same path again... We had a farewell party for two of our co-workers today and my friend was there of course. We had fun and came along well and when the evening was coming to an end we agreed to share a taxi home because we live just about in the same direction. And since I don't drink any alcohol I was getting tired and a bit bored a lot earlier than she but I patiently waited because she was having fun with all our other friends and dancing etc. But then she found a guy on the dancefloor... and they got into talking, they talked for about an hour and danced and then she came to me and said she had to bail on me. She didn't have to say more, I know she bailed on me because of this guy. She tried to apologize, offering to pay for my taxi but I just said a quick goodbye to all our other friends and took off before she even noticed. I got into the taxi and she tried to call me but I was just so angry I hung up the phone. I know I perhaps acted a little childish but I feel so frustrated that we're in this same place all over again! That she doesn't even notice me and the fact that I'm hurting. And that I miss her. She hasn't tried to call me or text me since so we'll see if we'll ever talk again, I'm just so tired of getting punched in the face time after time and being disappointed every time we meet or talk.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 6:33 am 
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There is light at the end of a tunnel!! My best friend has recently broken things off FOR GOOD (well, for now, anyway...) with her abusive ***hole ex, and he's now seeing someone else. He was shocked at the way her ex talked to and and treated her. I'm so happy, she's finally seen that there are guys out there that respect you and can treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Mar 23, 2014 4:10 pm 
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^ That's good news indeed! Do you know what spurred her to make the break? I wonder if she'd be open to thinking about some counselling to explore issues within her (that kept her with this abusive sh*t) for the time she stayed with him? Might be something to bring up with her?

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2014 4:21 am 
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^ I'm not sure exactly what made her make the decision, I'm just relieved that she's no longer with him. I really, really hope it's for good this time. I think counselling sounds like it would be beneficial for her, I will gently suggest that to her :hug:

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