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 Post subject: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 9:54 pm 
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I have a friend, we've actually known each other only for about three months, but after a week of knowing each other we were like sisters already, I love her so much and she is so important to me. A bit over a month ago this friend of mine found a guy, in the beginning I was so happy and excited for her, everything she told me about him was so wonderful, he was considerate of her and totally spoiled her with everything.

Then one day I met him and I saw that he was really possessive of her and jealous. I work at the same place with my friend and one day, she got off at four and I got off at six so when she left work I asked if we could maybe go out for a drink when I get off. She said yes and when I left work she texted me where to meet "them". When I got there "them" turned out to be her, a really good friend of hers, who I like very much, and the guy. First I thought he was great, he was funny and polite, his jokes were maybe a bit childish and pervy but otherwise a nice guy. And then maybe 30 minutes after I got there this guy said to my friend that they should get going and that they had some plans. We convinced them to stay a little longer (since their plans were mostly to go to her place and make out), but he kept going on every ten minutes. It was clear that he didn't want to hang out with her friends, he just wanted her to himself. We agreed to go somewhere together for food since he said he was hungry. He didn't like any of the places we suggested so we asked him where he'd like to go. He suggested this really weird restaurant but we agreed to go there so we'd still be together. We walked for maybe two minutes when this guy pulled my friend aside and she said to us to go ahead, they'd be right behind us. And after five minutes they caught up with us and said that they're leaving. So they totally ditched us. And all this happened in an hour after I left work at six.

So then Mary (I'll call this friend of my friend this just for clearance) and I thought that since we're both alone now, we'll go for another drink. And we talked all evening about things, she was so pissed off at our friend as well for ditching us. And Mary told me that this is what our friend does every single time she finds a guy, she completely forgets about her friends and moves on very quickly (I mean after they had gone out for two weeks she already met his parents), they've actually talked about having kids already! So I got a little mad at my friend and since I can't speak about serious things face to face without losing my thoughts, I wrote her a message in facebook. In that message I very honestly told her how I feel and think and that I was very hurt since this one hour I saw her that day was the most I had seen her in weeks outside work. It seemed like she took it seriously, the next day she really tried to make time to see me so that we could talk, and we did eventually meet and talk. But after that night we talked, nothing changed. I still see her only at work. And it's so annoying that she can't talk about anything else than this guy and everything they've done together.

And I know I'm not the only one of her friends who think he's no good for her, she got in a fight with her best friend, they've been unbelievably close since they met, they used to do everything together, but now they barely speak about anything else than work stuff (yeah she works at the same place too). And one night my friend said straight to me that she doesn't really even care what other people think about this, it's like she doesn't even care that she's hurting her friends.

I've seriously tried to be okay with this situation, I've tried so hard to accept it and be happy for her, but I just can't accept it that she does no longer care for her friends like she used to. And when I met her, I thought immediately that she is so loyal and caring towards her friends. She had this great empathy and love for everyone, and now that's gone. It's like I don't even know this girl anymore, she has changed too much.

So know I'm helpless, I feel so hurt all the time since I feel she's disappearing from my life and she doesn't even notice it. I want to talk to her about this but it's impossible to find time alone with her, she's always with him. And the fact that we work together makes this even harder because we need to remain a professional relationship no matter what.

I really need your help, I don't know what to do anymore. Oh, and sorry for the long and very messy text, this is so hard to explain in a simple way.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 10:46 pm 
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"...I saw that he was really possessive of her and jealous."

This tells us a LOT - and none of it good. This is the kind of guy that any woman needs to run far, far away from. It these two continue on as a couple, the possessiveness and jealousy will only get worse. It sounds like he's in the beginning stages of isolating her from her "outside" life - her friends, etc.

At this early stage of the "relationship", it might be that your friend is allowing herself to be manipulated/sucked in/convinced or whatever to give all of her spare time to this guy. She needs to understand these are the early warning signs of a man who is abusive. She may be 'flattered' that he is so 'attentive' of her, and wants to spend so much time together - but she needs to look at the WHOLE PICTURE - she is very likely putting her head in a noose that will only tighten. She needs a friend - (friends) - to take her aside (maybe lunchtime at work?) and TELL her this. Tell her you're very concerned and why. This does NOT appear to be a healthy, egalitarian, loving relationship at all.

In the end you can do nothing else, but at least you've tried.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 17, 2013 11:30 pm 
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Yeah this possessiveness really does concern me because my friend has been in an abusive relationship before, she told me about this guy who hit her and mentally abused her and made her feel like she's worth nothing. So I wouldn't be surprised if she fell for that type of a guy again. She told me her ex was also so loving and caring in the beginning. But I know if I tell her I don't think her relationship is healthy, I'm going to lose her for good. But I did take a step, I told her I really want to see her and talk to her just the two of us, it's now only the matter of finding enough time and the right place.

She told me they had a little fight some time ago because my friend did notice he was a little too jealous about her at one point. And after that fight she said to me that she knows their relationship won't work. After that I didn't see her in a while so I assumed they had broken up but no. They talked and he was all understanding about her need to be with her friends as well but seriously nothing has changed. Every time we are out with a few friends, he texts her all the time asking when she'll be coming home (and they don't even live together, she just spends most of her time at his place or at his parents' place). She finds this just adorable and caring but I think it's creepy. If you could see them together you'd notice too that she is way out of his league, she's very beautiful and gorgeous and he's not so much. So I think the guy knows this too and that's why he's so jealous.

I'm just so scared of losing her completely.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:57 am 
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It sounds like your friend is going down that same path again - but with a different guy. While you can't do anything to prevent her from living her own life as she seems to choose, you can still be a good friend and speak honestly about your concerns. Whether she is ready to hear them or not is totally another matter.

What you may wish to do is speak to a local womens organisation that helps women with these issues. You might be able to get a couple of pamphlets from them (something that pinpoints and lists issues in abusive relationships - what to watch out for - e.g. possessiveness/jealousy; isolating the woman from her friends/family, etc.). Give her the pamphlets - ask her to read them - as a favour to you, if necessary. She may not wish to look at the unpleasant truth right now, but perhaps she might later. It's always worth a try. Another good thing, is that these pamphlets will also give her information on helpful resources, when she is ready to seek them. What do you think?

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 11:45 am 
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Spoke to her briefly today and agreed on going out for dinner together after work on Wednesday. So I guess that'll be my chance, if it'll really be just the two of us, she has a habit of inviting a lot of people to wherever we are. I think I will try and tell her that I'm worried about her and just remind her to use her brain and her instincts. She's very very stubborn and usually does exactly the opposite of what everyone tells her to do. Plus she really has a temper, when she gets mad, she's REALLY mad. But I just hope she'll realize how much I love her and how worried I am.

I'm so scared of ruining everything, making her unhappy and resent me because of this. And I feel so stupid and childish sometimes from being this hurt and worried, I mean it is her life, I'm just her friend and we've known each other for only three months.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 12:47 pm 
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^ It's not YOU who will "ruin everything". You have decent, honest motives to speak with her. All you can do is tell her how you feel, what you see and what you fear is happening. It's totally up to HER to CHOOSE as to how she will act (toward you as well as regarding her situation). You can only control how YOU act just as she is 100% responsible for her actions. Don't feel guilty for the consequences of her actions.

(I think you're being a really good friend, by the way).

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 1:24 pm 
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^^thanks BK :) I sure haven't felt like a good friend, I've just been feeling selfish because I miss her and I miss spending time with her. Let's hope she'll understand why I feel like this and why I'm doing this. And let's really pray I will have the guts to say everything I need to say. Thanks so much for your help :heart:

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 18, 2013 2:49 pm 
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You're very welcome. :hug: I hope things work out. Let me know?

Just had a brainstorm: What you could do is get a pamphlet that lists the signs of an abusive relationship - tell her you're worried about her because you care - and give her the pamphlet. Tell her that you recognise HER situation in the pamphlet's descriptions. Let the pamphlet do the "talking".

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jul 21, 2013 7:16 am 
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Saw her today at work and we actually were even working partners today so we spent the entire day together. But still as soon as I said goodbye to her I bursted into tears. I don't know that girl anymore, she has changed, she's no longer the wonderful girl I met and learned to love in April. I do understand that she was very tired today and I tried to give her some space, we work with drug addicts and on Friday there was this situation when one of our clients got violent and abused a few of our workers so we've all been very upset about it. But my friend wasn't even working that night so I don't see why she'd be so upset about all of this to act the way she did today.

But anyway she was an hour late for work today, which really isn't like her, except it's been happening a lot more lately. She had spent the night at her boyfriends parents and apparently just couldn't go to bed early enough. She barely spoke to me today and she was almost hostile. And before she used to hug and kiss me every time we met and every time we parted ways but now she doesn't do that. And I feel like she doesn't even care how I'm doing or if I'm okay. She's slipping away from me and disappearing from my life piece by piece. I feel so bad and hurt all the time and I feel like I'm going to lose her completely soon. I really need to talk to her honestly but I'm sure she'll come up with something so that we can't go out on Wednesday like we planned, I think she knows I want to talk to her about things she doesn't want to hear.

Oh and I'm so, so sorry that I use this thread as a therapy session for me, I just really need to get all of this out of my mind and some other opinions about this situation.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Sun Jul 21, 2013 2:30 pm 
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Rausku - Please don't apologise. :hug:

I think though, you're absolutely right about your friend - she doesn't want to hear what you have to say. At least, not now. :(
I'd venture a guess and say that the figurative "noose" had already tightened around her throat - and that she's feeling very conflicted. She might even know that something *IS* very, very wrong with this man and their relationship - but feels powerless to DO anything at this point.

There *is* help out there, but she must be the one to ask for it. It's heartbreaking, but all you can do is let her know that you're still her friend and you'll be there if she calls on you.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Tue Jul 23, 2013 2:53 pm 
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It has many red flags that relationship. One of the first warning signs of mental abuse is that the person shuts the door on friends and family because the other one demands it. He wants her all to himself so he can control her better.

The sad thing is that she wont listen, people in relationships like this rarely do.

Hopefully she will see quickly what kind of a person he is, she should be running for the hills.

Hope it all works out :hug:

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 10:08 am 
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And once again I am insanely mad at her. We did have our scheduled dinner today after work, I'm surprised that she even remembered we had agreed on that! But the dinner lasted an hour and we only talked about meaningless stuff, just chit chat because I could see she was avoiding the elephant in the room. After we ate we went for a drink and we ran into two of our co-workers (one of them is my friends best friend who she's kind of fighting with because of the same thing I'm mad at her) and we had a couple of drinks. But since other people were there, I couldn't bring up the thing I wanted to talk to her about. At some point she got a call that a few of her friends had just gotten engaged and she invited them to come join us (so typical, without even asking us). And then literally she turned her back at us because there wasn't enough room in our table. The rest of us we just finished our drinks and left. She tried to apologize a few times when we still were there but she was anything but sincere, you could see it and hear it from her voice that she wasn't really even sorry. I didn't say to her anything, just looked her straight into her eyes and let my expression and silence do the trick and at one point I noticed that she caught up on my mood and she understood how hurt I was. I left without hugging her or anything, I just said bye and nearly ran away. And of course she was going to the guy today later so she only had a few hours time to spend with us.

I can't believe nothing has changed and she still doesn't care even a little bit! I talked to Anna (let's call the co-worker, who's mad at this situation as well Anna) and she said that she has just one advice to give, try and let go of her. She won't listen, she won't change her behavior. Anna has still manage to keep a professional relationship with our friend, but I know they're not the same anymore, they barely speak outside of work.

I know I need to talk to her now more than ever but I know she won't listen. And I'm not ready to let her go and I can't let her get hurt in this bad relationship and do nothing to prevent it. I seriously need your help, I have no idea what to do anymore.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 12:47 pm 
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@ Lethe: I'm in total agreement with you. *Thumb up*

It doesn't look good, Rausku. Your friend is "drowning" but is refusing all the "lifesavers" being thrown to her. It's heartnumbing, it's sad and it's a bloody shame. But you can't do any more than what you've already done. Your friend is right, it's time to back off and let the friendship (even though it seems pretty much one-sided by now) drift away. What will happen, will happen.

Hard to do? Yes, of course. It won't happen overnight, either - but you already know that. Time to start thinking of yourself (not in a selfish way, of course) and spend time with people who offer two-way friendships. You can't allow a "toxic" friendship to choke the life out of you, either.

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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Wed Jul 24, 2013 1:45 pm 
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Having been in an abusive relationship, you can try to help, but until I decided enough was enough, I wasn't going to change. I pissed off very decent people in not seeing the same problems.

I justified a lot that I shouldn't have. Including a broken wrist and dislocated elbow.

I'm not sure I would have left had he not kicked my 75 pound Doberman mix into the wall when Sam got between us during a fight. Jerk then went out, I called the only friend I hadn't ran off, she and her guy came over and got me moved out with 2 hours. Shortly after, I moved for school and jerk wound up murdered in an alley a few year later by an enraged father.

I was educated enough that I should have known better. But, I couldn't be convinced for a very long time.

I wish I had better advice.


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 Post subject: Re: Losing my best friend to a guy
PostPosted: Thu Jul 25, 2013 12:59 am 
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I sent her a message after I got home that I'd like to talk to her seriously. First she answered yes, let's talk but a moment later she said that "on the other hand, I don't have the energy, I know you have a difficult time in your life and I'd like to be there but I just can't, I'm too beat, sorry." This made me a little bit more mad so I sent her back a message where I told her that I just don't know her anymore, I don't know what happened between us and that we really need to talk this through, whether she like it or not because we cause more pain and problems to each other by not talking about this whole thing. I said that I could try and pretend that everything's fine, just deal with our obligated work stuff with her and otherwise keep a distance and not talk to her outside of work. But that this would just cause more pain and trouble. I know she has seen my message but she hasn't answered it yet and I don't know if she even will, she's so mad at me.

I'm really scared of Saturday when I need to get back to work because she'll be my working partner. I talked to Anna about this too this morning and she repeated her advice to just let go and try not to think about her. I'd just like to tell my friend that she can't keep running from the bad or uncomfortable things in life, she can't live forever in that bubble she's so comfy in, she needs to face life and see what's going on around her. And what kind of friend says to you first that you can talk to her about anything at any time and then just backs off and says I don't have the energy. In my definition friends help and support each others no matter what, not just during the good times.

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